Sick of the same tired old golf puns and gags? We’ve put together a list of our favorite jokes, golf puns, and one-liners you can bust out on the course, the range, or the pub to try and laugh off that 102 you just shot.

Hey – you better be able to laugh at yourself in this game, right?

  • What’s the best quality in a golf partner? They play worse than you do!
  • Golf is the easiest game in the world. It’s just really hard to play.
  • Golf is like doing your taxes. You’re shooting for the green, and yet, in the end you find yourself in the hole.
  • What did Master Yoda say when Luke sliced the ball onto the next fairway over? “May the Fores be with you…”
  • How do you know you should be a golfer? You’re too out-of-shape to play in the church softball league.
  • “My doctor told me I can’t play golf.” — “Oh, when did he play with you?”
  • What’s a golfer’s favorite nightlife activity? Clubbing.
  • The three tried & true methods of improving your game are: practice, study the pros, and cheat your ass off.
  • What’s the easiest shot to make in golf? Your fifth putt.
  • Important advice: if you golf during the election, make sure you cast your absent-tee ballot!
  • Why do golfers carry a spare pair of golf shorts? In case they get a hole-in-one!
  • What’s the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball? A guy will spend 10 minutes trying to find his lost golf ball.
  • What do golf and sex share in common? You can enjoy both of them even if you’re terrible at it!
  • “I’m really good at hitting my woods. Problem is, I can’t get the ball out of them!”
  • No matter how badly you play, always remember… it’s possible to play even worse.
  • Why are there 18 holes on a golf course? That’s how long a Scotsman takes to finish a bottle of Scotch!
  • What’s the shortest distance between the tee and the hole? No matter the distance, it’s through that tall tree over there.
  • What’s one tip all golfers should follow to improve their game? Go back in time and start playing at a younger age.
  • It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing you’re a bad golfer.
  • “Your game is so bad you had to have your ball retriever re-gripped!”
  • Babe Ruth once said, “It took me 17 years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.”
  • What’s the difference between a golf ball and a car? Tiger Woods can drive a ball three hundred yards!
  • What hot new enhancement pill can you use to beef up your game? Tiagra.
  • Golf’s a game where you shout, “FOUR!” and score a seven, while writing down a five.
  • If you think you’re standing too close to the ball, make sure you’ve actually struck it with your club after swinging.
  • Why didn’t the golfer finish his homework? He couldn’t stop puttzing around!
  • Golf is a game where the ball lies like crap, but the player lies like a pro.
  • “Am I going to hit someone with my tee shot? It’s a fore-gone conclusion!”
  • The most redundant thing on a golf course is a ball-washer on a hole with water hazards.
  • The reason most politicians are golfers is that they lie better with more practice & experience.
  • Who do golfers pay tribute to on the 4th of July? Their fore-fathers!
  • What did Sir Mixalot say after sinking a 14-footer on the green, saving a terrible 3rd stroke into the rough? “I like big putts and I cannot lie!”
  • What did Chamillionaire say when he came in a stroke under par? “Tryna catch me ridin’ birdie!”
  • What does a woman do with her asshole before sex? Drops him off at the golf course!
  • Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella to the golf course? …fo’drizzle.
  • When you hit the cup but don’t sink the shot, it’s called Prom Night. All lip, no hole.
  • “I can golf in the low 80s. But if it’s any warmer, I won’t go outside.”
  • Why don’t skeletons play golf? They don’t have the heart for it.
  • Why don’t grasshoppers play golf? They like cricket better.
  • What do you jot down if you don’t remember if you hit a 6 or a 7? Eight. You shot an eight.
  • Why does the temperature on the course rise after a long tournament ends? All the fans are gone!
  • Why is “Hearts” a golfer’s worst card game? All he knows how to play with is Clubs!
  • “My wife said I play so much golf it’s driving a wedge between us.”
  • “I came home to my wife in lingerie… she said I could tie her up and do whatever I wanted. So I tied her to the chair and went to the driving range.”
  • I asked my caddie what he thought of my game. He said, “it looks good sir, but I’m more of a fan of golf, myself.”
  • Why was Cinderella such a poor golfer? Because her coach was a pumpkin.
  • Which pro golfers can jump higher than the flag? All of them…. the flag can’t jump…
  • I told my coach I got a new set of clubs for my wife. He said, “Sounds like a good trade!”
  • Why are computers such naturally good golfers? They have a hard drive.
  • Where do ghosts play golf in the afterlife? At the golf corpse!

We’re done with golf puns and jokes, but we’ll leave you with a bonus… the top 10 “not actually dirty” golf innuendos:

  • “I’m going to wash my balls, you want yours washed, too?”
  • “I can barely walk after 18 holes!”
  • “Grip softly, stroke smoothly.”
  • “Oh my… it sure is wet down there.”
  • “That was a fantastic threesome!”
  • “My arms are tired, I had so many strokes.”
  • “The shaft is firm and stiff.”
  • “A bigger head shoots much farther!”
  • “I really admire your length.”
  • “I shaved the hole ever so softly…”

What are some of your favorite golf puns? Drop some in the comments!

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About the author

Jordan Edwards

Jordan is a golf lover and the founder of Cyber Caddie. When he’s not on the green, you can find him wishing that he was – Fortunately he’s happy to just chat about it here until the next time.

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