Sick of the same tired old golf puns and gags? We’ve put together a list of our favorite jokes, golf puns, and one-liners you can bust out on the course, the range, or the pub to try and laugh off that 102 you just shot.
Hey – you better be able to laugh at yourself in this game, right?
- What’s the best quality in a golf partner? They play worse than you do!
- Golf is the easiest game in the world. It’s just really hard to play.
- Golf is like doing your taxes. You’re shooting for the green, and yet, in the end you find yourself in the hole.
- What did Master Yoda say when Luke sliced the ball onto the next fairway over? “May the Fores be with you…”
- How do you know you should be a golfer? You’re too out-of-shape to play in the church softball league.
- “My doctor told me I can’t play golf.” — “Oh, when did he play with you?”
- What’s a golfer’s favorite nightlife activity? Clubbing.
- The three tried & true methods of improving your game are: practice, study the pros, and cheat your ass off.
- What’s the easiest shot to make in golf? Your fifth putt.
- Important advice: if you golf during the election, make sure you cast your absent-tee ballot!
- Why do golfers carry a spare pair of golf shorts? In case they get a hole-in-one!
- What’s the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball? A guy will spend 10 minutes trying to find his lost golf ball.
- What do golf and sex share in common? You can enjoy both of them even if you’re terrible at it!
- “I’m really good at hitting my woods. Problem is, I can’t get the ball out of them!”
- No matter how badly you play, always remember… it’s possible to play even worse.
- Why are there 18 holes on a golf course? That’s how long a Scotsman takes to finish a bottle of Scotch!
- What’s the shortest distance between the tee and the hole? No matter the distance, it’s through that tall tree over there.
- What’s one tip all golfers should follow to improve their game? Go back in time and start playing at a younger age.
- It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing you’re a bad golfer.
- “Your game is so bad you had to have your ball retriever re-gripped!”
- Babe Ruth once said, “It took me 17 years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.”
- What’s the difference between a golf ball and a car? Tiger Woods can drive a ball three hundred yards!
- What hot new enhancement pill can you use to beef up your game? Tiagra.
- Golf’s a game where you shout, “FOUR!” and score a seven, while writing down a five.
- If you think you’re standing too close to the ball, make sure you’ve actually struck it with your club after swinging.
- Why didn’t the golfer finish his homework? He couldn’t stop puttzing around!
- Golf is a game where the ball lies like crap, but the player lies like a pro.
- “Am I going to hit someone with my tee shot? It’s a fore-gone conclusion!”
- The most redundant thing on a golf course is a ball-washer on a hole with water hazards.
- The reason most politicians are golfers is that they lie better with more practice & experience.
- Who do golfers pay tribute to on the 4th of July? Their fore-fathers!
- What did Sir Mixalot say after sinking a 14-footer on the green, saving a terrible 3rd stroke into the rough? “I like big putts and I cannot lie!”
- What did Chamillionaire say when he came in a stroke under par? “Tryna catch me ridin’ birdie!”
- What does a woman do with her asshole before sex? Drops him off at the golf course!
- Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella to the golf course? …fo’drizzle.
- When you hit the cup but don’t sink the shot, it’s called Prom Night. All lip, no hole.
- “I can golf in the low 80s. But if it’s any warmer, I won’t go outside.”
- Why don’t skeletons play golf? They don’t have the heart for it.
- Why don’t grasshoppers play golf? They like cricket better.
- What do you jot down if you don’t remember if you hit a 6 or a 7? Eight. You shot an eight.
- Why does the temperature on the course rise after a long tournament ends? All the fans are gone!
- Why is “Hearts” a golfer’s worst card game? All he knows how to play with is Clubs!
- “My wife said I play so much golf it’s driving a wedge between us.”
- “I came home to my wife in lingerie… she said I could tie her up and do whatever I wanted. So I tied her to the chair and went to the driving range.”
- I asked my caddie what he thought of my game. He said, “it looks good sir, but I’m more of a fan of golf, myself.”
- Why was Cinderella such a poor golfer? Because her coach was a pumpkin.
- Which pro golfers can jump higher than the flag? All of them…. the flag can’t jump…
- I told my coach I got a new set of clubs for my wife. He said, “Sounds like a good trade!”
- Why are computers such naturally good golfers? They have a hard drive.
- Where do ghosts play golf in the afterlife? At the golf corpse!
We’re done with golf puns and jokes, but we’ll leave you with a bonus… the top 10 “not actually dirty” golf innuendos:
- “I’m going to wash my balls, you want yours washed, too?”
- “I can barely walk after 18 holes!”
- “Grip softly, stroke smoothly.”
- “Oh my… it sure is wet down there.”
- “That was a fantastic threesome!”
- “My arms are tired, I had so many strokes.”
- “The shaft is firm and stiff.”
- “A bigger head shoots much farther!”
- “I really admire your length.”
- “I shaved the hole ever so softly…”
What are some of your favorite golf puns? Drop some in the comments!
